All new; hopefully improved

Right then, I’ve booked my ticket back to Portsmouth (I get in the 9th if anyone cares), and I have an announcement to make. I’ve been thinking a lot the past few weeks about who I am and who I want to be and how I run my life and all that palaver, and I’ve come to a number of decisions.

Therefore, the Laura you be greeted by when you next see me will be the all new, hopefully improved, model. She’s figured out her finances and drawn up a to do list to keep her occupied; she’s resolved to be healthier and happier and change some things; and she’s decided which problems to address head on and which ones aren’t worth worrying about. She’s prioritised her life, stocked up on sanity and is all fired up to face the next challenge, whatever that may be.

It may sound like New Years-esque fluff, but I have all the best intentions I assure you. She’ll still be crazy, paranoid and over emotional; she’ll still freak out over little things, live in fear of mice and wasps and failure; and she’ll definitely still need you lot to pull her up again when all this new attitude gets worn away. But for now, here she is.

It’s been a tough nine months. One big thing knocked me down in a gully, and every time I tried to climb out of it something else grabbed my ankles and hauled me back down. I’m not blaming that one thing for all my problems, it’s just a metaphor. But I’ve been doing the self psychology for dummies thing, and I can tell you that that was most likely the beginning. Well, actually the move from Canada when I was 10 was the beginning, but we all have way better things to do than re-hash my entire life! The breaking point was the day I bought my ticket home.

The last time I was this low I was 16. I was in a social situation that largely wasn’t working, and the effort of trying to make it work was draining me dry. I couldn’t cope with my classes and assignments, and I had no idea where I wanted to be going with my life. Other things were going on too – things I don’t wish to discuss here because very few people know about them. But they weren’t un-connected to the stuff everybody saw. It was 16 year old Laura who very nearly broke down and gave up – but it was 17 year old Laura who pulled through, made a few huge changes, and got the grades to get herself into the university she wanted. She was the one who got a job, made a plan, and finally found some functional relationships. She’s the person I had to come back here to find, warts and all.

It’s been four years, and as an older model there are certain features that needed replaced or updated, but thanks to the time lapse I had the parts in stock. She’s been matured, shined up and looked after, and now she’s ready for duty. (Now there’s a tortured metaphor!)

There’ve been personal and professional problems this year, family worries and friend woes. I’ve struggled to cope with university work and I’ve had a few days where I struggled to even find a reason to get out of bed. And not all of those problems have gone away, just I’m now more ready to face them than I was before. This break has been good – I’m now in place where I can go back and deal with things objectively. It’s been a stressful and emotional and hard year and no doubt the next one has some awesome issues to throw at me, but I’ll survive.

There may be aspects of new Laura you don’t like – for example, she has decided that she’s not taking any bullshit off of anybody anymore, and she’s not going to pretend that things don’t bother her when they really do. Nor is she going to pull any punches if the truth is what is required. From now on it’s the real deal, all or nothing, and if you don’t like it, tough. To coin a phrase, she is now a bad-ass mother, who won’t take no crap off of nobody!

She’s re-read Don’t Shoot the Dog by Karen Pryor, and re-committed herself to following its excellent advice. She is a duck, and the world ought to just be water off her back – to follow other advice given by a surprising source.

I’m not really sure what I’m trying to say with this blog, so I’ll stop waffling. The long and short of it is like this: I was hanging out with an old school friend today, and he told me I had changed. I answered “Yeah, I have”. Time and life does that to a person, but it’s up to you if you change for the better or if you just let it wear it you down. I know what I’m picking, this time around. Bring it on world, I’m ready for ya!